Step 1: Embrace Your Destiny – Death Is Your Best Friend
The moment you enter Elden Ring, you need to come to terms with one undeniable fact: You will die. A lot. Accept it. Love it. Every death is a learning opportunity—or at least a chance to scream into the void. If you're not dying, you're probably playing the wrong game.
Step 2: Character Creation – The Illusion Of Choice
Spend hours crafting the perfect character. Sculpt that jawline, perfect those eyebrows, and make sure every facial feature is on point. Then promptly cover all of it with a helmet that you'll never take off. Because as we all know, fashion souls come second to not getting one-shot by an angry demigod.
Step 3: Pick The "Hardest" Starting Class
Sure, you could go for the Vagabond or the Confessor, but why make things easy? Go with the Wretch. Start with nothing but a loincloth and a stick. That’s the true Elden Ring experience. Plus, nothing says “I’m ready for this challenge” like being two-shotted by a squirrel.
Step 4: Run Toward The First Massive Enemy You See
Is that a giant, terrifying boss on a golden horse within the first five minutes of the game? Charge right at him! You’ll die instantly, of course, but this is Elden Ring. You need to learn early that bosses are designed to remind you that you are but a mere speck of dust in this world. (And then you do it again. And again.)
Step 5: Read Every Player Message... And Ignore The Good Ones
Elden Ring is a multiplayer game, sort of, which means players can leave helpful hints! Or, in most cases, they’ll leave messages like "Try jumping" near a cliff. Always follow those instructions. If someone tells you to roll off a cliff, do it—because you just might find a secret. Or you’ll fall to your death and learn nothing, but that’s part of the fun!
Step 6: Hoard Every Item, Use None
Throughout the game, you'll collect an absurd number of items—glowing stones, mushrooms, random bones. Never use any of them. They might come in handy later... right? Even if you're drowning in healing potions or bombs, there's always a voice in the back of your mind whispering, "Save it. You might need it for a tougher boss." Spoiler: You’ll never use them.
Step 7: Fear The Small Enemies More Than The Bosses
The huge, screen-filling bosses? Piece of cake. It’s the random dog enemies and swarms of mosquitoes that will ruin your day. These are the true endgame challenges of Elden Ring. You haven’t felt fear until a group of small rats turns you into a crumpled heap while you’re trying to look cool in front of a fog gate.
Step 8: Explore Every Dark Cave – It Always Ends Well
See a creepy, unlit cave entrance? Go inside immediately. Sure, it might contain a giant spider monster waiting to crush your soul, but it could also contain… well, no, it’s probably just a giant spider monster. But you should explore it anyway because you need that loot! Whatever it is! Even though you'll probably just sell it later.
Step 9: Ignore The Story – You’re Not Here For That
There’s a deep, rich lore behind Elden Ring, full of ancient wars, gods, and mysterious forces that shape the world. But let’s be real—you’ll never understand any of it. Just hit the skip button during every cutscene, because the only thing that matters is who you need to stab next. Something something Elden Lord, whatever. Let’s go kill some dragons!
Step 10: Spend 50 Hours In Character Stat Screens
Remember when you thought leveling up was fun? Welcome to Elden Ring, where leveling up is a form of existential crisis. Do you dump all your points into strength for maximum smack power? Or do you boost your intelligence so you can pretend you’re a wizard later on? There’s no right answer. Just remember: You’ll still die, no matter what you choose.
Step 11: Get Distracted By Side Quests You'll Never Finish
There are side quests in Elden Ring, but good luck finishing any of them. NPCs will give you vague instructions like "Meet me at the place where the shadows fall" and then promptly disappear forever. You’ll spend hours looking for them, only to find out they died while you were busy looting mushrooms. Classic Elden Ring.
Step 12: The Final Boss – Prepare To Rage Quit
When you finally make it to the final boss after dozens of hours, you’ll feel a sense of accomplishment... until you realize this boss has five different phases. Just when you think it’s over, it’s not. And after 30 attempts, you’ll likely ask yourself: "Do I even like video games?" That’s when you know you’ve truly experienced Elden Ring.
Step 13: Celebrate Your Victory... By Starting New Game Plus
After countless hours of frustration, deaths, and a fair amount of cursing, you’ve finally beaten Elden Ring. You did it! Now, what’s your reward? More Elden Ring. That’s right, fire up New Game Plus, where everything is harder, and all your suffering starts again. Because apparently, you love pain.
Conclusion: Welcome To The Elden Ring Family
Congratulations! If you’ve made it this far, you’ve truly become one with Elden Ring. You’ve died, you’ve cursed, you’ve questioned your life choices. But most importantly, you’ve survived (sort of). You are now ready to dive back into this unforgiving, beautiful world, because let’s face it: You’re hooked. See you in New Game Plus.
Disclaimer:
This guide is meant to be satirical. Elden Ring is a game where you’ll die a lot, but that’s part of its charm. Don’t take it too seriously, and remember: Even if you die 100 times, it’s all about the journey (and maybe getting revenge on that boss who one-shot you in the tutorial).
Thank You!
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Source: https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=3339864921
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