VA-11 Hall-A: Sapphic Pu ssy Rhapsody
VA-11 Hall-A: CyberpunkBartender Action
Sukeban Games制作
《VA-11 Hall-A: Sapphic Pus sy Rhapsody》
《VA-11 Hall-A：百合猫咪狂想曲》
作者: Fernando Damas/@ironiclark
编辑: Lyric/@lyriclingers
插图: Merenge Doll/@merenge_doll
设计: Christopher Ortiz/@kiririn51J
日版翻译: Yosei Muto/@minstrel_bird
中文翻译：就是本人，就是本人@dusterchen
下载地址————https://twitter.com/SukebanGames/status/1609791725387522050
序言
Dedicado a todas las mascotas de losautores o los lectores, tanto vivas encuerpo como vivas en recuerdo.
A la alegría que traen y a la melancolía quesu ausencia inevitablemente traerá.
献给作者、读者们的每一只宠物，无论活在世上还是活在心中。
敬他们所带来的无限快乐，敬他们离去后在所难免的忧伤。
第一节 他只是个穷人家里的一个穷小孩。
在一座不应存在的城市。
在一片同样不应存在的区域中。
在一条被盗走路牌的街道之上，唯有当地人的记忆中才有此一隅。
在一栋确实存在的房子里。
在一个房间里，一位普通的同居者时不时会浮想联翩：当她离开此地时，周遭的一切是否依然存在。
这还有一只猫，而就其本猫而言，他的存在证据确凿，甚至比上面提到的一切都要真实无比。
这是一只黑色的猫，而不同于其他黑猫的绿色瞳仁，他闪烁着非比寻常的湛蓝双眸。
这是一只流浪猫——严格来说是一只前流浪猫——曾经摸爬滚打的猫生都碾作尘埃，悄然散落在他当下不问现世的小脑瓜里。
在小猫最早的记忆之中，内心或许早已被恐惧和喜悦的浪涛雕蚀得强烈且鲜明，这使得他敢于对抗那些尖牙利齿的恶犬们——哪怕是轻轻一口便足以杀死他；他虚弱的肺部几乎难以支撑其向分别已久的母亲道出喵喵的呼唤，然而现在深陷绝境的小猫却拼尽全力嚎叫着，试图阻止面前的敌人们。
紧接着，就在刹那之间，狗群忽然一哄而散。只见一个比自己大上许多的圆形容器砸向了地面，飞溅的水花泼向流浪狗脚边，随之而来的轰然巨响吓退了身边威胁的犬齿与狂吠。 取而代之的身影则是……一只大猫？流浪猫从未见过这样的景象……它像是一只猫，只是更大，更奇怪…还用后腿直立着。
巨猫凝视着流浪猫许久，最后还是摇了摇头，转身离去。对小流浪猫而言，自从母亲在狗群到来前就下落不明后，这只巨猫便是最贴近母亲的事物了。因此，他开始跟在巨猫身后。
当然了，腿越长，动作越快，巨猫步伐太大，流浪猫挥舞的小腿渐渐追之不及，他开始喵喵喊叫，就像是在呼唤自己的妈妈。巨猫停下了脚步，只见小猫水汪汪的蓝眼睛直勾勾盯着自己深红的瞳孔。于是乎，她俯身走近，小猫只觉得一只前爪伸向了自己的肚子。
他寻思着，这还真是一个奇怪的姿势，自己不是被叼着后颈，而是被夹在两个巨大的爪子上，不过小猫很喜欢这样。这只巨猫的身形迥然不同，但和他妈妈的身体一样柔软，一样温暖。在经历了刚刚九死一生后，小猫早已精疲力尽，再也没有力气多做他想了。
巨猫把他带到了一个不同的地方——一个他将会熟悉的地方。从那时起，小猫便鲜少离开此地，这里没有他曾流浪的天南海北那么宽广，不过也意味着他明白身边所有的东西都为何物，明白自己身在何处。
房间的中央是张桌腿很低的小“桌子”，里面摆放着一个暖炉。白天，他喜欢在这里打盹休息；晚上，他的“主人”——也是她的第二个妈妈则会在这里睡觉。这只前流浪猫很喜欢在主人的下巴上就寝，正如他当初和生母一起睡觉时一样。随着年岁增长，从小黑球长成了大毛团子，他同样沉迷在梦中撒泼打滚……哪怕会压在主人的脸上。
不过嘛，她也的确被逗的不亦乐乎就是了。
这还有一扇“窗户”，一个奇怪的屏障，他可以看到却摸不到对面的东西，透过“窗户”，他还能瞧见外面的光景何时变幻色彩。
在窗外又一次黑白交替过后，黑猫从午睡中迷迷糊糊地醒了过来。
他一如既往地坐在“桌子”上，但桌子的位置似乎改变了。他看到了截然不同的东西，他还闻到、听到了不一样的东西！
当他慢慢清醒过来后，才确信这不是自己熟悉的空间。
在很~~~~久很久之前，房间里发生过一系列小变化，他的主人给他带来了许多“纸盒”，她看起来有些不大开心，但……她带的可是纸盒啊！哦~那可真是段美好回忆啊~小猫记得每次跳进盒子里时，主人都会放些新玩意来欢迎自己。还有一次，他运用神乎其神的潜行躲避技能藏在纸盒中，急切地想给主人留下深刻印象，只是这项技能有点神过头了，以至于还没被主人发现，自己就先潜入了梦乡。直到小猫饿的前胸贴后背，不得不放弃如此精妙的藏身之处——他喵喵乱叫，直到主人再次亲自找出这个纸箱。
她把小猫拎了出来，然后给了他比平日更多的食物，或许是为了道歉吧，毕竟她在密封纸箱时并没有发现自家宝贝儿子居然在里头。不过这对小猫而言倒也可以理解，不同于他，人类那可怜的嗅觉和狩猎本领实在令猫汗颜，所以他优雅地接受了主人的道歉。
但“愉快纸箱时代”好景不长，黑猫发现自己身处一个奇怪的硬盒子之中，他的主人也曾用其将他带出熟悉的房间。
在硬盒子里呆了一段时间后，他发现自己处在一个满是尿骚味的地方，充斥着吵闹的人类、狗子、还有闻起来像狗子的家伙。有时，在离开硬盒子后，他又挪到了一张光滑冰冷的桌面上。其中一个人类对黑猫那双强力无比的狩猎武器抱以强烈的兴趣，不仅嘴巴上钦佩无比，溢美之词接二连三；而且手也没闲着，对着他东戳戳西捅捅。还好，宽心大度的他并不会对这种无礼之举而猫颜大怒。
只是每次离开硬盒子后，他依然会回到属于自己亲切的房内。尽管黑猫不清楚下次奇妙盒子又会带着自己走向何方，但他还是一如既往地同意主人用她的前爪把自己捞将起来，然后等待着再一次重返故里。
黑猫再也没有回到熟悉的家了——如今，他身在一个全新的地方，这儿更大、更宽、更高。黑猫可以在新家尽情地跃动身姿，再也无需担心会碰到“天花板”或是“挂灯”。他还有了更多可以探索的区域，这的“门”并没有上锁，只要猫爪一推便可以发现更多的门以及更多的空间。
有时，小猫的冒险之心怦然作乱，让他发现了一个身材更大、更加柔软的人类，他的主人时常在前者面前显得小鹿乱撞。有时，一个皱着眉头的小个子会带来另外两个较小的人类，这两人闻起来则像是那个身材高大的柔软人类。
黑猫尚不知晓这一切都是什么，自己又在哪里。不过，他现在有了一个最新熟悉的地方：他的“卧室”，同时也是主人睡觉的房间，尤其是与黑猫随意冒险的陌生地区相比更是如此。毕竟再怎么说，这里还留存着他的桌子与气味。
黑猫喜欢这个房间，但他不喜欢主人现在睡觉的地方。她现在躺在了一个海拔更高，更为轻柔的东西——“床”上，而不是像过去那般方便地睡在桌子底下。床铺是块风水宝地，可这也意味着小猫若是想趴在主人脸上睡觉的话，必须得钻出他的安乐窝，再蹦到床头，反反复复左右横跳，这不是想累死朕吗？！
话虽如此，在迷迷蒙蒙的梦后，黑猫的小脑袋渐渐蒸腾出在陌生环境苏醒的困惑与迷茫。属于他的崭新清晨拉开了序幕——亦或是拉开了新的夜幕。
黑猫的一天总是日理万机，该喝水喝水，该用餐用餐，该梳毛梳毛，该便便便便。于是乎，他打着长长的哈欠伸懒腰，扫视着自己身旁，确保领地悉数万无一失。
“窗户”，正常。“床铺”，正常。“电视”，正常。冷藏食品盒，正常。还有，那是什么鬼？！！！
主人的床上本该空无一物，却悄无声息地闪现了什么东西。黑猫被突如其来的异常吓了一跳，可没等猫腿反应过来，身子便从原地弹射起步，害得自己笨拙地摔下了桌子。
显而易见的是，虽然被拖了后腿摔个七荤八素，但黑猫的小脑瓜却提前做出了缜密而细致的计算，没错，他的不完美着陆只是一次战术佯攻，其目的是分散对面注意力并迷惑对手。小猫有条不紊地站直身子，装作无事发生——因为确实啥事也没有。他跳回桌子，想看看是何方神圣让自己如此即兴发挥，也顺便羞辱它一番，让它明白自己根本不吃突然惊吓那一套。
回到桌上定睛一看，他瞧见了熟悉的身影：那个“窗型人”。黑猫知道自家主人喜欢她，便放下了戒心。
就像有的时候，窗户会让他看到光线在对面改变颜色一样，窗的那头也会映出苍白的猫或苍白的人。哪怕黑猫鲜少有抵达窗户那边的情况，没等他用迅疾的利爪捉住他们，那些猫和人就会像镜花水月般凭空消失。
这个奇特的窗型人此刻就在眼前，但就和窗户的古怪现象一般，窗型人的身形却不在这里。她不像那些可以用脸和爪子推开的门，更像是目力所及却触之不及的窗影。若是跑过她身旁，黑猫也没有任何坚硬冰冷的触感，反而能直接穿过其中。
她和主人时不时从“口袋”中掏出的扁平小人类似，但窗型人不一样，她根本不需要口袋或是窗户便能现身。
黑猫抬起头，与窗型人四目相对，只见她举起自己的前爪说道……
“……嘘！”
第二节 那么你们以为可以爱着我再让我一个人死去？
“对~~~不起！对不起！宝贝儿Fore，我吵醒你了吗？”
一名少女正向房里孤零零的小猫表达着歉意。
她身穿一件黑紫相间的JK水手服，裙摆之下则是一条蓝色牛仔裤。她有一头棕色的短发，但在某些灯光下则泛起幽淡的紫色。虽说着装独具风格，但她也显然不是什么JK或者JD，甚至未必到了上学的年纪。可她看起来已经年长到没法混在学校门口糊弄任何人，却又小到可以骗过所有去主题咖啡馆的人们。
只有在那种主题咖啡馆里才有这件制服的容身之所，因为在这座城市，没有一所学校会使用这种风格的校服。也正因如此，她不但没有融入周遭环境，反而显得格外惹人眼球。
即便缺少了制服这一属性，她那格格不入的既视感依然不会改变。
首先，她并没有右臂，这也使得她不得不在靠近肩膀的地方把袖子打成一个整齐的结。
其次，这大概是最突出的一个属性，她实际上有点……不太实际的透明。她可以在空间中滑来滑去地移动自身，有时你还可以直接看穿虚化的她，有时却又是实实在在的出现在你眼前。有时她和普通人一模一样，有时却又闪烁不清，仿佛是在挣扎着维持身影。
倘若世界上真的有幽灵的话，那绝对非她莫属。
“为什么今天这里这么吵？”她嘟囔着环顾四周，想要找出是哪发出的噪音。
但是，除了城市莫名的喧嚣之声，房内唯一的动静便是她下边小家伙“呼噜呼噜”的困惑声。
“所以你真的可以看见我啊！”女孩兴奋地向Fore喊道——向着咱的小黑猫。
“……好吧，就叫我Anna好了，我可不会把自我介绍让给一只小猫。”她随即向着虚空大声喊道，然后才将注意力放返Fore的身上。“放返Fore？这算什么双关语啊？”
“动物们似乎总能意识到我的存在，但也仅此而已罢了。”Anna继续说道，又好像试图在忽略什么似的。“但我猜我只是从来没有试过和特定的动物说话，想来想去，这也是咱们第一次单独碰面吧。”
“或许你也能看到人类看不见的光？就像那些能看到红外线的虾……好像是叫‘琵琶虾’来着？”Anna一边说着，一边在空中滑来滑去，不禁被Fore 跟着摇头晃脑的神态逗乐了。
“又或许宠物真的能看到幽灵？”她在用“幽灵”这词代指自己时，立刻皱起眉头摆出了一副鬼脸。
“……所以说，你真的可以清楚地看到我吗？”Anna迷惑不解地问道，“还是你压根看不到我，只不过眼前有片影子还是什么的？”
“也有可能……”她陷入了沉思。“……有可能……”但她逐渐变得焦躁不安“…有没有可能你先把给嘴闭上？还用得着你说我焦躁不安？你看不出来我在试着和他说——”
Anna打断了自己，转头看向了正心无旁骛给脑袋打理毛发的Fore。
舔舔爪子，梳梳头，舔舔爪子，梳梳头，舔舔爪子，在稍微梳梳左边的头……
Anna静静地望着Fore，半分钟时光悄然而逝。她幡然醒悟，自己没有必要为了这事大动干戈。
Anna飘过桌子，穿过了想要触碰裙摆的Fore，她模仿黑猫的姿势，在桌旁款款坐下。
“我不喜欢你。”Anna冲着虚空喊道“哎不，不是说你Fore！我是说——”
接着，Anna叹了口气——用她那并不存在的肺部呼出了一口虚无飘渺的空气。“我总觉得你妈妈其实背地里是只猫……当然当然，你肯定是猫妈生的，我指的是你的人类妈妈。”Anna对着全神贯注梳理后腿的Fore喃喃道，“我的意思是，第一，这就可以解释为什么她能看到我了；第二，你要是仔细想想的话也会发现，她身上的确散发着一些……独属于猫咪的气质。”
“她总是揣着一副精致优雅又酷酷的面孔，但只要你和她聊上不到几分钟，她就会开始口吐毛球、向着大门撒丫子跑、蹦蹦跳跳地摔跟头，还会去追那些闪闪发光的小玩意。”Anna在评价完后忍俊不禁起来，“开玩笑啦开玩笑~她要真想着蹦高点的话还得再练几年，你可别被她那双大长腿给忽悠了。”
“但说实话，这个观点嘛……我不知道还能不能找到更多理由。”Anna伸了伸她那并不存在的手臂肌肉，几乎与此同时，Fore也抻开双腿，扭头打理自己侧身的毛发。“当你赢得她的信任时，会不会有中了大奖的感觉？就好像自己荣获了“Julianne Stingray寒暄问好俱乐部”的成员资格一样。”
“真像只猫啊……”Anna把自己虚化的双臂环抱胸前搭在桌前，仿佛透明的自己真的可以靠在这个表面之上。“……一只彻头彻尾的猫，夹着尾巴的怂猫。”
“喵！”Fore大声抗议起来，就好像有人撸的他太久了似的。他莫非听懂了Anna的话语？正打算直抒胸臆维护主人的名誉？
无论是何缘故，这声叫唤都吓得Anna惊坐而起。Fore则不慌不忙地起身离席。Anna再次用她那并不存在的肺部叹了口气，不过她很快就意识到Fore只是中途喝水休息，只见他很快便跳回桌面，嘴角上仍残留着滴答掉落的水珠，然后继续埋头梳毛——这回轮到前爪了。
“我想说……”万一这只小猫早就读懂了自己呢，她继续说到：“抱歉啦？我不是故意侮辱她的，而且我也没有说错。”
“我们都是夹着尾巴的懦夫。”她有模有样地往后靠下，此刻正摆出一副用手撑地的样子。“‘有模有样’……我不是说了我不喜欢你吗？算了算了，你知道么？懦弱是人们最自然而然的天性，是最与生俱来的本能。”
“当坏事发生时，大脑会指引你避开那些会导致坏事发生的……事情。”Anna以老师上课的语气念诵道，“懦弱，就是逃避那些会造成痛苦的东西，但那也只是一种简单至极的生存方式。”
“但是人类呢？人类是种冥顽不灵的生物，总是毅然决然地无视掉基础的本能与常识。他们默不作声，一遍又一遍地重蹈覆辙，不顾一切所谓的合理性——直到他们走向成功。正当Anna顾自言语时，Fore因为伸展过度挪到了危险的边缘，再次和地板来了个亲密接触。他又跳回原位，摇摇晃晃地杵在桌子外围梳毛。“很显然，人类不是唯一不开窍的……”
“话虽如此，我还是觉得实际情况其实要更加复杂。”Anna一边说，一边满怀希望地盯着向她靠近的Fore，尽管他依然在桌子边缘踱着猫步，这回却没有摔下去。“如果你在社会上还是死抱着那生存方式不松手，那最终只会一个人溺死吧。更何况你还是个社会性动物，这些都会把你拖入人间地狱。”
“然而，人类的大脑天生就是这么构造的。”当看到Fore决定离开桌边回到中心时，Anna不禁松了口气。“不要把手伸向炉中之火，以及搬出繁世轻松自在的离群索居，两者对你的大脑而言其实是一码事。”
“不过……谁才是最大的傻瓜呢？是那个在火炉旁抱薪自焚的勇者，还是那个宁愿饿死也不愿踏进厨房的愚者呢？”
Anna沉默了一会儿，而Fore看起来已经打理完毕，只见他起身走向饭碗，准备大吃一顿。
“所以，当遇到那些避无可避的矛盾之时，人们就会产生一种心之壁，你说是吧？”Anna笑眯眯地注意到，Fore 喜欢把食物洒在地板上享用，而不是在碗里乖乖就饭。“你只需要知道自己的软肋何在，并尽可能地堆砌心防。”
“就像你妈妈那样。”话音刚落，Fore便停下了嘴边的动作，扭头和Anna短暂对视了一会儿，接着又继续吃了起来。也许小猫真的听懂了她的长篇大论。“她之所以表现的那样尖酸刻薄，你觉得是为了让别人见而远之吗？不……我觉得恰恰相反。
“你瞧，当你因为害怕被人利用而不断压抑自己时，你就会愈加害怕别人发现自己的是否诚心实意。”Anna对着这只吃饭的小猫念叨时，语气又不禁自然而然地再次充满了学术性质。“因此，你披上了一件超现实的外衣来裹住自己的真心。”
“毕竟，如果你总是直言不讳地表达自己，那你其实就是在尽可能的坦诚相待了，对吧？你不会什么事都遮遮掩掩的，是吧？”
一阵短暂的沉默悄然而至，仿佛是对观众心照不宣的演讲独白。
“哈！”Fore被突如其来的喊声吓得扭头看向Anna。“对不起！你继续吃吧，不用管我。”
“但也是啊，那根本骗不了任何人。每个人都能一眼看穿，我想你妈妈也不打算再装模作样下去了。”她这么说着时，Fore又回到桌上开始饭后的清洁梳毛工作。“但她又能做什么呢？她只知道这是唯一保护自己的方法啊。”
Anna再一次沉默不语。但她并不是在理清思路，而更像是鼓足勇气向面前的小猫朋友道出深埋心底的话语。
“你真要一字不落地把什么都说出来吗？”她朝着虚空怒吼道，似乎还有什么想要发泄出来——直到Anna看到了Fore一脸迷惑的表情。
“可是你也知道……哪怕他们可以一眼看穿伪装，但朋友之间就是应该相互扶持啊，你说是吧？”话说着，Anna躺在了地板上，促使好奇小猫朝着地板望去，仿佛不愿落下二人之间的对话。“你学会了如何筑起心墙，保护自己不受世界恶意的侵蚀。但随之而来的一样也有真心为你之人，他们甚至不辞辛劳愿意攀过高墙，只为与你相拥。”
一阵短暂，却又不言自明的静默。
“我也曾有过这样的朋友……”
Anna不觉间跌入了一段熟悉的回忆中，她想拧紧丝丝心弦，集中精力不让自己陷得太深，但时间却将记忆的列车一分一秒倒带往昔。当下的她已无力掌舵，只能任其呼啸而来。
她直起身，不得不让Fore跳开这个无形少女的体内。
“你妈妈是个幸运的姑娘……我是说，首先，她有你这小宝贝陪着。而且她还能看到光芒万丈的我。”Anna苦笑一声，继续说道，“再说了，她身边还有那么多好人……”
“巨乳黑客，她的老板，还有个总是呆在酒吧的家伙，那个猫耳娘和经常跟着她的蓝发女孩，Becky……”Anna一根手指一根手指地数着“好人”们的名字，正打算继续时却发现不够用了，她为了不漏掉“Becky” ，甚至特意多变出来一根手指。只是这样的花招似乎对她的点名来说并无必要。
Anna就像甩掉手上的水珠一样晃了晃手，那根多余的手指也随之消失不见。
“不管怎样，如果她真想要拒人千里之外，那她实在做的不像样。她身边有太多老好人了。”
“不……她可没有拒绝他们，她打了个赌——把自己的伤口毫无保留地展现给大家，而他们也尽心尽力地抚慰她的身心……”每吞吐一个字，Anna的语气亦交织着一分苦涩。“她真的很幸运啊，我好嫉妒她……”
最后几个字在Anna嘴边挥之不去，说出口时满是辛辣的挖苦讽刺，但回味的刹那却涤荡起内心阵阵涟漪，她试图平复愈搅愈浑的波澜，却只是剪不断，理还乱。
“这合乎逻辑，是吧？近朱者赤，近墨者黑。你可以和好朋友同甘共苦，在你落入低谷时，他们也会拉你一把。”Anna越说越快，好似心中的洪流再也无法抑制，一股脑地倾吐而出。
“不仅要面对那些伤害了自己的人，还要去面对被自己伤害的人。当人们最需要倾听之时，去给予他们真诚的陪伴。在你最低迷的时候抓住机会，意识到你其实并没有自己想象的那么孤单。”Anna的语速依然很快，可现在听起来却如同在嘲讽那些陈词滥调。
“天啊！有个朋友可真是太~~~好了！”
只是这句话，Anna并没有脱口而出。她更像是在参透其中浸染蔓延的苦楚。
她在一个非人类的见证者面前纵情忏悔，只是相对于Anna的告解，小猫更感兴趣的则是她的一举一动。
这里没有什么侧耳倾听的大人物，也没有能心领神会的知己，更没有人会站出来提出异议。她可以随心所欲地说出自己喜欢的话，不必担心会产生任何影响。
而这对她来说是最为痛苦的事情，也是她内心悲怆不已的源头。哪怕她承认这一切，已定之事又会有任何转机可言吗？
这兴许也是为什么Anna决定和她的小猫朋友来一次“推心置腹”的交谈，事实上，至少Fore还能看到自己，这使得Anna有了更多互动的感觉。再说了，小猫可不会对吐槽自己的一举一动。
顷刻之间，Anna发出了今晚的第三声叹息，尽管她那并不存在的肺部着实呼不出任何空气，但似乎确实有什么东西排出了体外。
她那始终笑意盎然的双眸此刻却黯淡无光，耷拉着肩膀，脸上的肌肉也放松散开。这种种细微的变化慢慢浮现在Anna身上，直到她的全身都沉浸在不言而喻的变化之中。
起初，苦涩的心泉只是在不经意间汩汩冒泡，此刻则完全沸腾开来。
“你知道吗……”随着心态的转变，Anna也不在乎什么举止或礼仪了。她依然维持着坐姿，只是开始在房间里转转悠悠地飘来飘去。“在遇见你妈妈之前，我的生活可简单多了。”
“为什么我会变成现在这幅鬼样子？那当然是——我啥也不知道。”她凝视着自己透明的手，“但至少我知道那些确实存在的事实。”
“我出院后正好走过街道，回头想看看妈妈在哪，但只看到了一辆卡车就撞在了我刚刚还站着的地方。我当时脑子里只有一个念头，我怎么特么命能这么好？要是在医院门口被撞飞那才真是倒了血霉，但后来呢？你猜也猜不着，我看到被碾在轮胎下的是我！出车祸的竟然是我！”
尽管房里的气压明显很低，Fore却感到兴奋而快活。他开始在桌上跳来跳去，想要捉住空中漂浮着的Anna。
“我尖叫着，哭泣着，祈祷着奇迹，但妈妈却看不到我、也听不到我。”她语气平淡，略显疲态地回忆着自己的死状，犹如在没有伴奏的乐曲中吟诵着台词。“所以，这就是现在的我啦，对不？一只附着在世界之墙上的无头苍蝇。我可以出现在任何地方。出于某些原因，我还能进入电子设备的空间，那种感觉……实在难以描述……我想想，大概就像推门而入那样轻松……”
“然后！”她忽然停在空中，好像是在强调这个词一样，害得Fore不小心跳得太高了。“然后，我走进了这间闻所未闻的酒吧里，然后！我勒个天！吧台的美女居然能看到我！然后……呃啊，现在我倒希望她看不见了。 ”
“我是说啊，这么多年我终于能遇上一个说得上话的人了，当然高兴坏了。”Anna飘了起来，躺在半空中上下翻飞，就像是绑在了一个无形的陀螺仪上。“但我如今明白了，那些所谓的事实也不过如此，曾经安慰我的那些也不过是一个巨大的谎言。”
“至于现在呢？我那时打算去一片混乱的阿波罗银行探个究竟，喔噢，看哪，那居然真有人能看到我。我可不能让那位蓝发的姑娘就这么死在那，对吧？”Anna好像想起了什么，渐渐放慢了飘浮的速度。“……蓝发……？嗯……啊……真是巧了。”
随着话题的继续，Anna悬浮的节奏同样回到正轨。“接着是Becky，哦我的Becky小宝贝儿，我素未谋面的妹妹……有多少次我希望自己能和你说说话，和你相互拥抱啊？现在你确实能听到我的声音了，可我却真的不愿让你听见。”
在屡次尝试扑上空中的人影后，Fore早已精疲力尽地躺倒在地。可他依然懒洋洋地在空中挥舞爪子，好让大家都知道他是一位卓越可敬的猎人。Anna也顺从地降低了悬浮高度，让他的爪子时不时能略过她的裙摆。
“她现在能清楚地听到我说话，这可不是什么好事。我再也不能像以前一样远远地望着她了，因为她如今也能看到我是否发生了什么变化……”Anna继续道，“现在我还可以和她聊天了，可我该说些什么好呢？‘哈喽，虽然有些突然，但我其实是你姐姐，只是在你被制造前不小心被车撞死了。但那不重要，重要的是你更喜欢’*Kira* Miki 还是B-link？”
“所以说，我曾笃信的事实如今却是个彻彻底底的谎言，我感觉人们渐渐能看到我了，可不知为何我却无法控制住自己的身形……”Anna在房间里滑行的速度似乎随着她的思绪而起伏不定。“这实在让人好奇，为什么是现在?为什么不是在以前?为什么我被世界孤立了这么多年？到底是什么发生了改变？”
Anna沮丧地呻吟了一声，全身瘫坐在地上，漂浮着思考与讨论这一切令她疲惫不堪，看起来真像字面意义上的萎靡泄气。Fore也决定换一个不那么累猫的姿势，起身走向Anna，和她一同侧躺在地板上。
尽管她刚刚一直在大倒苦水，可Anna仍强撑笑意。小猫也依然竖起耳朵，认真倾听着她的悲伤。
“宝贝儿，你确实是只有点东西的小猫。”Anna一边说着一边伸手抚向她，顿时遗憾自己没法亲手摸到Fore，“你差点就让一个女孩子对你敞开心扉了，不是么……”
“我猜，有其母必有其子吧。”她低声感叹道，褪去了先前对Fore慈祥宠溺的语气。
接着，Anna仰面朝天，完全没有了平日的灵动活泼。时间分秒流逝着，而她仍旧只是盯着天花板，和身旁的Fore一同努力保持沉默。
Anna的精神早已倦怠无比，这诡异的薛定谔式赛博幽灵身份令她异常反感，积压许久的不快涌上心头。她还更厌恶那些潜伏在胸中的幽怨、那些伺机而出、蠢蠢欲动的感情——而今，她的心墙被轰然洞开。
在Anna痛苦猖獗的内心深处笼罩着无垠的黑暗，难以否定的哀伤凝结成了一块琥珀。相比起什么预料之中的中年危机、什么由感知能力改变或缺失所带来的存在主义危机，什么孤独无聊愤怒悲伤的情绪——她最不愿回想的，是关于“她”的回忆。
Anna明白，尘封这份回忆的同时，一样埋没了自己前世今生的珍贵瞬间，但她更不愿触及那些回忆背后的心酸往事。
数月前的那一回，是在她第一次遇到Fore的主人时，Anna不禁犯下了那个错误——提起了“她”——那是她软肋，是她永远封锁的心之壁，但她依然敞开了心扉。
那是多么惬意的夜晚啊，直到Anna将“她”的名字脱口而出，她才意识到自己所犯下的差错。她不得不费尽心机才让一切回到正轨，哪怕她很想再次拜访Fore的主人，但她还是决定先平复心情，哪怕稍微多花费了几周时间。
“告诉过你了，对吧？”Anna向着虚空说，“我们都是夹着尾巴的懦夫，彼此彼此罢了……”
夜色愈加浓厚，突然间，Fore直起身板奔向门口，大声地喵喵欢叫。Anna好奇地打量小猫，猜测他想做什么。
只见推门而入之人正是下班回家的Fore的主人。
第三节 一只恶魔降临到我身边。
她乌黑的秀发通常扎成整齐的双马尾，现在则是和她的领带一样随意解开，轻松铺在肩头。她将外套拿在手上，解开了铅笔裙的拉链。脱下的鞋袜旁则是Fore的亲切欢迎：用小脑袋在主人双腿处蹭个不停。
她抬眼一看，恰巧与Anna目光相接，而拖到一半的裙子正颤颤巍巍地挡在她双臀间。
Fore的主人很快便意识到了什么，整张脸宛如打翻了震惊与担忧的调料瓶，乱成了一锅粥——她清楚的很，这位客人来者不善。
只不过，对Anna而言，她则是另一副截然不同的变脸过程——
她的眼中再次焕发光辉，抖擞着肩膀，活跃的面部肌肉展露出莞尔一笑。
Anna的笑颜不仅仅是因为对着小猫哭诉心肠后的深深欣慰，更是因为Fore主人的出现。只需要她出现在自己面前，就能轻易产生如此愉悦的化学反应。
一个温馨小提示：人们为自保所设下的心之壁，和它所守护的软肋一样，都只是人们身心的一部分。
换言之，Anna感觉到了一股自我肯定、包容万物的欲望——尽情去逗弄某人。
她注意到，自己正作为观众欣赏Fore的主人一脸挣扎地宽衣解带，不禁龇牙咧嘴地坏笑起来。
“哟哟哟！”Anna奸笑着，她的声音满是恶作剧的意味，丝毫没有流露出几分钟前那苦涩的忧郁。她斜躺在地板上，换了个更为妖娆的姿势。
“我很高兴看到你今天这么饥渴啊，Jo！你让我一个人闷在这那么久！想要怎么补偿我呀？”
读后小感
我对于Ａｎｎａ这位角色的认知其实也不过是有过悲惨经历的乐天派小机灵鬼。但这篇文章倒是更为深刻地挖掘了她的人设。她会毫不忌讳地聊起自己的死亡，也会愤愤自己如今赛博幽灵的银手状态；她会乐观的活下去，也会悲观的踌躇往事和未来；她会勇敢的活下去，也会去逃避过往——我觉得“一个夹着尾巴逃避的懦夫”正是串联本篇的一个重点。
Ａｎｎａ在吐槽完ｊｉｌｌ之后就引出了这一点，顺便还长篇大论的说明人类生来如此巴拉巴拉。“不要把手伸向炉中之火，以及搬出繁世轻松自在的离群索居，两者对你的大脑而言其实是一码事。” 前者不伸手的人，算是明知山有虎便不向虎山行的“逃避”，后者为了不沾染或是不想沾染世俗而隐居深山老林的人，算是明知山有虎那我干脆眼不见为净搬到没有山的“逃避”。但俗话说得好，逃避解决不了任何问题。一味逃避的话，最惨的结果都是……嗝屁——“不过……谁才是最大的傻瓜呢？是那个在火炉旁抱薪自焚的勇者，还是那个宁愿饿死也不愿踏进厨房的愚者呢？”——不是和“所逃避的命运”同归于尽的他杀，就是被逃避命运的自己作茧自缚地扼杀。
自己逃不掉又不想解决问题，那就躺平咯。为了保护自己也为了保护别人而选择驾驶ｅｖ……咳咳选择构筑心之壁。“你只需要知道自己的软肋何在，并尽可能地堆砌心防。”————对于Ａｎｎａ来说，自己的软肋便是曾经的病友兼恋人Lanette。而对于曾经逃避过去封闭自己的ｊｉｌｌ来说，软肋便是为了她抛弃过去来到酒吧工作的女友（我最喜欢的）ｌｅｎｏｒｅ。
懦弱的ｊｉｌｌ逃避过去，直到妹妹ｇａｂｙ的前来把窗户纸捅破了。或许ｊｉｌｌ可能会真的因此而郁郁寡欢，最后真的心怀愧疚抱憾终身——但是ｊｉｌｌ的朋友们不允许，因为幸运的ｊｉｌｌ还有很多知心与交心的朋友陪在身边，帮助ｊｉｌｌ走出来，不去逃避而选择直面女友的死亡，和过去懦弱的自己和解。但是Ａｎｎａ呢？
曾经的Ａｎｎａ并不懦弱，哪怕面对致死的疾病也依然苦中作乐，学个钢琴再练个吉他——但那是她有朋友陪伴的时刻，现在的Ａｎｎａ孑然一身，几乎失去一切的她看似无所畏惧，整天嘻嘻哈哈地撩妹聊段子，但她却不敢……或是不愿意再更多的提及Lanette的事。就像心结未除的ｊｉｌｌ一般，可以和亲密的人聊到ｌｅｎｏｒｅ的事，但不会像现在这样提起和她一起玩黄瓜的点点往事。Ａｎｎａ也一样，她可以和ｊｉｌｌ提到Lanette，但不会——不愿回忆起那些属于二人的宝贵回忆。Ａｎｎａ同样畏惧着能听到或是将会看到自己的Ｄｏｒｏｔｈｙ，不愿意去和她进一步交流。
Anna哪怕卸去了病痛的残躯，可她的心里仍有一道疤，也许嬉笑怒骂是天性所致，又或许是掩盖着心伤的at立场。只有在夜半无人之时才能暂时放下心防，甚至嘲笑起懦弱的自己。
“天啊！有个朋友可真是太~~~好了！” “告诉过你了，对吧？我们都是夹着尾巴的懦夫，彼此彼此罢了……” ————Ａｎｎａ曾经拥有真挚的友情，曾经勇敢地面对现实的疾病，但现在她真的变成了自己口中讨厌的人类模样，一个只敢对着猫倾诉心肠的，夹着尾巴的懦夫……她真的已经没什么可以失去的了 。Nothing really matters, anyone can see.
没有了吗？
在最后，“一只恶魔降临到我身边”——这只小恶魔正是Ａｎｎａ多年来第一个能看到自己的人，是一个和自己如此相似的人——她幸福过、痛苦过、懦弱过逃避过，但也重新站起来过。ｊｉｌｌ不正是她失去一切后重新目睹的第一缕光吗？ｊｉｌｌ难道不是Ａｎｎａ的朋友吗？Ａｎｎａ现在还真的孑然一身吗？——“只需要她出现在自己面前，就能轻易产生如此愉悦的化学反应。”
或许在最后，Ａｎｎａ也必须面对被捅破的窗户纸，去正视Ｄｏｒｏｔｈｙ，正视自己的母亲，正视那个懦弱的自己，但她现在已经不再是孤身一人了。曾经由朋友陪伴的ｊｉｌｌ将会陪着Ａｎｎａ走下去，陪着Anna熬过每一个艰难的夜晚。轮回往复，也无所畏惧，因为不再是一个人独行踽踽。懦弱将会成为二人永远的过去式。
我们在游戏图标见到的第一位就是Ａｎｎａ，开局是Ａｎｎａ，真结尾是Ａｎｎａ，二周目开局是Ａｎｎａ，现在过了这么多年官方续作还是Ａｎｎａ。这不钦定了天地一字号女主角了（笑）。
其实很多游戏主角成长的方式也都是战胜过去“懦弱”的自己，嗯当然也有没战胜的，说的就是你领主雅各布。不过能再一次看到瓦尔哈拉的角色有如此深刻的刻画以及未来可期的故事还是挺欣慰的，估计续作涅槃也大差不差吧。（不过如果能把故事往黑深残的悲剧写也不是不行，这么多年了憋个大的刀把角色全送英灵殿也……不是不能接受？完了我成精神变态了。）
希望看到这的诸位都能…………嗯打了又打删了又删，说希望大家都能不去逃避勇敢面对吧又有赶鸭子上架的感觉，说希望大家都能结交挚友吧又感觉知己难求难度有点大，那就希望大家都能在属于自己的人生故事中获得一份快乐的结局吧。
Sapphic P Ussy Rhapsody EN
I He’s Just A Poor Boy From A Poor Family.
In a city that shouldn’t exist.
In a district that by extension also shouldn’t exist.
On a street whose signage was stolen to sell the metal it’s made out of, and thus only exists in the collective knowledge of locals.
Inside a house that most definitely exists.
In a room whose usual cohabitant sometimes wonders if it keeps existing when she leaves its confines.
There is a cat that, as far as he’s concerned, very much exists. Exists way more than any of the above, even.
A black cat with very peculiar blue eyes, rather than the green its kind tends to have.
A stray. Or rather, a former stray. A life of difficulty that’s now the barest of memories in his unconcerned present-biased brain.
His earliest memory, probably carved there by the sharp contrast between the waves of terror and joy within, pits him against dogs with big mouths full of sharp teeth that could snatch him up in a single bite. His small lungs that were barely able to squeak out a meow to a mother long separated are now doing their best to emit growls to keep the snarling pack of enemies at bay.
And then, they all run. A round container many times bigger than the stray hits the ground and splashes water at the dogs’ feet, making a loud noise that scatters the threats and teeth and growls surrounding him. And in their place… a big cat? The stray had never seen anything like this before. It’s like a cat, but bigger, and different, standing on its hind legs.
The giant cat looks at the stray for a long time, shakes its head, and begins to walk away. To the small stray, this is the closest thing to his mother he’s met since she went missing before the dogs, so he starts following the giant cat.
Of course, with longer legs comes faster movement, longer strides that the stray’s small legs can’t keep up with. He starts meowing the way he called his mother. The giant cat stops, locking its dark red eyes with the stray’s blue. Then the giant cat steps closer and the stray feels it wrap a forepaw under his belly.
It’s a weird way to be carried, he thought. He wasn’t pulled by the back of his neck but rather put in between the giant’s paws. The stray liked this. The giant cat’s body was very different, but just as soft and warm as his mother’s body was, and after the stress he had just gone through, he was too exhausted to think much more about it.
The giant cat brought him to a different place. A familiar place the stray would rarely, if ever, leave at all from then on. It wasn’t as big as wherever he had been before, but that also meant he knew what everything was and where everything was.
There was a small “table” at the center of everything, with low legs and a warm box inthe middle of its underside. This was the place where he liked to nap during the day, and under it was where his surrogate mother, his “human”, slept in the nights. The former stray loved to sleep under his human’s chin as he had done with his birth mother before… Even if getting bigger and older meant that rolling in his sleep landed him on top of his human’s face.
She did make amusing noises as a result, though.
There was also the “window”, a weird barrier where he could see things on the other side and yet was unable to cross. Through this “window” he was also able to see when the light outside changed colors.
And after one such shift in colors, the black cat wakes up from his nap slightly disoriented.
He’s on his “table” as usual, but the space the table is in is different. He sees completely different things. He smells and hears different things!
As he wakes up further, he remembers that this indeed is not his familiar space.
A long, looooong string of small changes ago, his human brought a lot of “boxes”. She looked distressed, but also… she brought boxes! Oh how joyful that period was. He remembers jumping into the boxes and being greeted with something new his human had put inside them each time. There was also a time he hid inside a box and eagerly awaited impressing his human with his skills in stealth and evasion. He was so skillful that he fell asleep undetected, then got hungry, then couldn't get back outside of his much too skillfully chosen hiding spot, and needed to yell until his human opened the box again.
She did and then gave him lots more food than usual, probably in apology for being unable to detect him inside the box when she sealed it. It was understandable, however. His human was sadly much worse at smelling and hunting compared to him, so he graciously accepted her apology.
But after The Time of Fun Boxes, the black cat found himself in the weird hard box his human used to move him to places outside his familiar space.
Sometimes after the hard box he would be in the space that smelled like urine. There'd be the loud human, and the dog, and the human that smelled like a dog. Sometimes after the hard box he would be on a cold slippery table. A human very interested in his formidable hunting weapons would pokeand prod him while showering him with admiration and gratitude that he chose patiently not to destroy them for their insolence.
But after the hard box, he always returned to his familiar space with his familiar things. So he didn't know where he would be after this time inside the weird hard box, but he allowed his human to scoop him up with her forepaws just as she'd always done and waited to return to his familiar space once again.
He never saw his familiar space again. Now he was in a brand new space. It was bigger, wider, taller. The black cat could jump really hard here and not hit the “ceiling” or the “lamp” like he easily could before. There are also more spaces he can visit. The “door” is no longer locked and if he pushes against the door, he can find more doors and more spaces.
Sometimes he ventured and found the bigger, softer human that his human sometimes was in heat towards. Sometimes the small human with a frowning face would come in with two other small humans that smelled a bit like the big, soft human.
He still doesn't know what everything is and where everything is. But the space where his human now sleeps, his “room”, is his new familiar space, especially compared to all the new spaces he now has regular access to. After all, this space still has his table and his smell.
He likes the room, but he doesn't like how his human now sleeps in a different place. Instead of conveniently sleeping under the table with him, his human now sleeps on a taller softer thing called a “bed”. The bed is a nice place, but it means the black cat has to move from his warm table to the top of the bed and then back again when he wants to sleep on his human’s face. What a chore!
But thus, after the stupor of sleep goes away and his brain shakes off the lingering confusion of waking up in an unfamiliar place, a new day for the black cat begins. Or rather, a new night.
He always has a busy schedule. Water to drink, food to eat, fur to groom, poop to poop. So he stretches, lets out a deep yawn, and scans his surroundings to make sure everything is in order.
There’s the “window”, the “bed”, the “TV”, the cold food box, and also WHAT IS THAT?!!
Startled by something suddenly appearing without a sound where only his human’s bed should be, the black cat jumps before being able to get his legs out of their resting position. He falls off the table with a clumsy thump.
A clumsy but completely calculated thump, obviously. The frantic flailing he just did was a tactical feint to distract and confuse the anomaly. He stands up and acts like nothing happened, because nothing did happen. He jumps back up onto the table to see what caused him to improvise on the spot so that the surprise thing wouldn't feel too much shame for not surprising or startling him at all.
I He’s Just A Poor Boy From A Poor Family.
After getting back on the table he sees a familiar human, the “window human”. A familiar human that he knows his human likes, so the black cat lowers his guard.
Much like how windows sometimes let him see the light change colors on the other side, windows also sometimes have very pale cats or humans inside them. Even on the rare occasion when he can get to the other side of the window, the cats and humans simply vanish instead of being caught in his clever pouncing attacks.
This particular window human is here, but like the weird phenomenon in the alreadyweird phenomenon of windows, this human also isn’t here. She was less like a door he could push with his face or paws, and more like a window where he can see things he can't touch. Instead of feeling something cold or hard, if he ran to her he would be able to pass right through her.
His human would sometimes bring small flat humans out of her “pocket” that were kinda like this, but the window human is different because she comes in even without the pocket window.
The black cat looks up and locks eyes with the window human, who raises a paw and just says…
“...Boo!”
II You Think You Can Love Me And Leave Me To Die?
“Sorryyyy! Sorry Fore boy, did I wake you?”
Apologizing to the lone cat in this room, there was a girl.
She was dressed in a black and purple sailor-style school uniform with the skirt worn over blue jeans. Her hair was short and brown, though it seemed to have a purple tint in certain lighting. Despite this dressing style, however, she was very clearly not a student or even of student age. She was old enough to not fool anyone at a school’s entrance, but young enough to fool anyone going to a themed cafe.
And only in such a themed cafe would those clothes be fitting given that no school inthe city used that style of uniform. Thus, rather than blending in with her surroundings, she stuck out like a sore thumb.
Though even without the uniform as a factor she still stuck out.
For one, she was missing her right arm, causing her to tie the loose sleeve of heruniform into a neat knot near the shoulder.
And also, probably even more evidently, she was slightly transparent… kinda. She moved by gliding through space, sliding. Her form was one you could sometimes see through, sometimes not. Sometimes she was indistinguishable from a regular person and other times it looked as if she was struggling to keep her shape.
If there were such things as ghosts, she would’ve definitely passed as one.
“Why is it so noisy in here today?” She said as she scanned for any other source of noise.
But the only noise in the room aside from the ambient sounds of the city was the puzzled “Prrrrr?” of her companion.
“So you CAN see me!” exclaimed the girl excitedly at Fore, the cat.
“...look, just call me Anna, I’m not gonna let the cat be called by name and not me,” she then exclaimed to nobody in particular before bringing her attention back to Fore. “‘Back to Fore’, is that a pun?”
“Animals have always seemed to at least be aware I’m around,” Anna continued as if trying to ignore something. “But I guess I just never had any particular animal I’d be around more than once. It’s also the first time I’m alone with you, now that I think about it.”
“Maybe you can see some light that humans can’t? Kinda like those shrimps that see infrared… ‘Mantis Shrimp’, was it?” She said while gliding side to side, amused by Fore following her movements with his head.
“Or maybe it is true that pets can see ghosts?” She exclaimed, immediately wincing as she used the “g” word to refer to herself.
“...actually, can you even see me properly?” Anna said, increasingly puzzled. “Maybe you don’t see me as me, but as a shadow or something?”
“Perhaps…” she started to get lost in thought “...perhaps…” but then she started to grow increasingly annoyed “...perhaps you can SHUT UP if you can tell I’m annoyed? Can’t you see I’m trying to talk with-”
Anna caught what she just said, and then turned to Fore, who was grooming his head, unaware of anything else in the world.
Lick paw, groom head, lick paw, groom head, lick paw, groom head slightly more to the left…
Anna watched Fore for half a minute in complete silence, as the weight of everything she got heated up about just now dawned on her.
She then floated through the table and through Fore, who tried to take a swipe at her skirt, before imitating the act of sitting down at the table opposite Fore.
“I don’t like you,” Anna exclaimed to nobody in particular. “No, not you Fore! I meant-”
She then sighed, with her non-existent lungs, letting out non-existent air.“I wonder if your mom is secretly a cat… you were obviously born from a cat, but I mean your human mom,” Anna said to Fore, who was absorbed in grooming his hind legs. “I mean, it would explain how she can see me, for one. But there’s something very… catlike about her, if you think about it.”
“She carries herself with this cool, refined appearance, but you spend half a minute with her and she starts puking hairballs, running against doors, missing jumps, and chasing bright things.” Anna chuckled a little before finishing, “I kid, obviously… she’s not athletic enough to try to jump. Don’t let those legs fool you.”
“But there’s, dunno… more.” Anna stretched her non-existent arm muscles almost on cue with Fore as he stretched his legs before moving onto grooming his side. “When you get her trust you feel almost like you won the jackpot? Like you’re in the select club of People Julianne Stingray Will Give The Time Of Day.”
“So cat-like…” Anna crossed her nonexistent arm in front of her and on top of the table, then feigned the motion of resting her head on a surface she could easily pass through. “...a complete ♥♥♥♥♥, a coward.”
“Mreow!” Fore let out a loud meow inprotest like someone had pet him for a second too long. Did he understand Anna and was protesting the insult to his human?
Whatever the case, it was enough to startle Anna into sitting upright. Fore then got up and left the table. Anna let out another dejected sigh from her non-existent lungs, but soon realized Fore was just going for a drink of water after he came right back to the table with droplets dribbling from his mouth. He resumed grooming himself, this time his front paws.
“I mean…” she continued anyways as if the cat understood her, just in case. “Sorry? I didn’t mean it as an insult though. And, I’m not wrong.”
“We’re all cowards.” She mimicked the act of leaning back from the table, now posing as if she was supporting herself on the ground with her hand. “‘Mimicked’... did I already mention I don’t like you? Anyway. Cowardice is the most natural thing you know? The most basic instinct ever.”
“Bad thing happens, brain teaches you to avoid bad-thing-causer… thing,” said Anna in a sing-songy, school-teacher-giving-apracticed-lecture sort of tone. “Running away from something that causes distress is cowardice, but also just a simple means of survival.”
“But humans? Humans are the dumb animals that decide to ignore that basic common sense instinct. They dumbly repeat the bad thing again and again, against all reasonable odds, until they succeed.” As she said this, Fore stretched too much to reach a tricky spot and fell off the table again. He jumped back up and resumed grooming himself in the exact same position, where his center of mass teetered precariously over the edge of the table. “Clearly not the only ones, though…”
“Though I guess it’s more complicated than that,” she said watching expectantly as Fore approached but never quite completely fell over the edge of the table. “If you follow that survival instinct in a society you end up alone. And when you’re a social creature, that’s hell on earth.”
“And yet it’s what human brains are wired to do.” Anna relaxed a bit after Fore finally decided to move further away from the edge into the center of the table. “The same function that teaches you to not touch the fire of a stove is the one that makes it feel like it’d be easier to live in the woods away from everyone.”
“And yet… who’s the bigger fool? The one who keeps burning themselves at the stove or the one who starves alone after being too afraid to set foot in the kitchen ever again?”
Anna got quiet for a second. Fore, seemingly done with his grooming, stood up from the table and went to his food bowl.
“So when you can’t avoid inevitable conflict you develop a shield of some sort, right?” Anna noticed, amused, that Fore liked to drop food on the floor before eating it rather than just eating from the bowl. “You just learn what part of you is vulnerable and build as much of a defense around it as you can.”
“Just like your mom.” Upon saying this, Fore stopped eating and turned to lock eyes with Anna briefly before returning his attention to his food again. Perhaps the cat DID understand some of what she said. “She presents herself in that caustic, potty mouthed demeanor of hers. You’d think it’s meant to push people away, but… quite the opposite, I’d argue.”
II You Think You Can Love Me And Leave Me To Die?
“You see, when you repress so much out of fear that it’ll be used against you, you grow fearful that people will know you aren’t being fully sincere.” Her tone turned academic again with a surprisingly natural ease as she spoke to the eating cat. “So you create this hyperreal version of sincerity to coat yourself in.”
“After all, if you’re so aggressively straightforward, so foulmouthed whenexpressing yourself, you’re being as sincere as can be, right? You couldn’t possibly be hiding anything, right?”
Then a beat of silence, measured out carefully as if delivering a scripted monologue before an audience.
“HAH!” The loud exclamation made Fore turn around to Anna. “Sorry! Keep eating. Don’t mind me.”
“But yeah, it doesn’t fool anyone at all. Everyone can see right through it, and I don’t think your mom even pretends that it works anymore.” As she said this, Fore went back to the table to groom himself again, this time to clean the results of his meal. “But what can she do? That’s the only way she knows how to defend herself.”
Anna went quiet again. But rather than collecting her thoughts it was more like she was finding the strength to say something deeply buried within herself to her feline partner.
“Do you really have to describe everything?” She exclaimed annoyed at nobody in particular and seemed about to say something else until she saw Fore’s bemused face.
“But you know… even if people can see right through it, that’s what friends are for, aren’t they?” Right as she said this she laid on the floor, prompting Fore to look over the edge of the table, as if he was keeping track of her and the conversation. “You learn how to put up your walls to protect yourself from the world, but then comes along people who can see right through them, even go out of their way to climb right on over all your hard work just to be with you.”
A brief, but noticeable pause.
“I had someone like that once…”
Anna got lost in a familiar train of thought for a moment. She tried to push it away with every ounce of her mental fortitude, but it had become harder and harder to leave this train of thought as a problem for another day as time passed. Today she felt like this train of thought was barreling towards her while she could only stand helpless in its path.
She then sat back up again, prompting Fore to leap out of the way of the intangible girl.
“Your mom’s a lucky girl… I mean for one, she has a nice boy like you to keep hercompany. And for another, she can see me in all my glory.” Anna let out a bitter chuckle before continuing. “But also, she’s surrounded by so many nice peeps…”
“The titty hacker, her boss, that one guy that’s always at the bar also, the bougie cat girl, the one with the blue hair, Becky…” Anna counted the “peeps” with her one hand as she named them, and was going to continue on, but she’d already run out of fingers. She’d even produced an extra finger so as not to leave “Becky” out, and growing more fingers just felt excessive for the point she was trying to make.
Anna shook her hand as if she was flicking some water off of it and the extra finger was no more.
“Anyway, if she really was trying to push people away, she’s amazingly horrible at it. She’s surrounded by too many decent people.”
“No… she didn't push them away. She took a gamble, showed them where it hurt, and they actually helped her with her wounds…” The bitterness in Anna’s voice increased with every word. “Lucky her. I’m sooo jealous…”
Those last words lingered in her mouth. They were said with every attempt at ironyand sarcasm, but they stirred something inside of her, something she was trying to push back in, but couldn’t. It was already out and trying to keep the gates closed was becoming harder and harder.
“It’s the logical thing, right? You interact with certain types of people, you grow up yourself as a certain type of person as a result. You can share the joys of the good, the burdens of the bad. You know if you trip, someone will be there to help you stand back up.” Anna started talking faster and faster with each word, as if she’d grown tired of trying to keep them in and was spitting them out of her mouth.
“Face someone that hurt you and come to terms with how you hurt them, too. Offer a kind ear to folks that don’t have one when they need it most. Take a chance in your lowest moment and realize you aren’t as alone as you thought you were.” She was still speaking quickly, but now it sounded like she was mocking some cliche platitudes.
“Oh boy! Having friends is soooo nice!”
She didn’t spit these words out. It was more like she was savoring the bitterness they were soaked in.
A moment of indulgent confession in front of a non-human witness more interested in watching her movements than in attempting to comprehend her speech.
Nobody of importance heard her. Nobody who could've understood what she said, let alone taken issue with any of it was aware she was here uttering these words at all. She was free to say whatever she liked with no consequence or effect on anything at all.
And that was the most galling thing to her, the very reason she had an endless well of bitterness and sorrow inside. Even if she were to acknowledge it was there, what would it change?
Perhaps that’s why she’d decided to have this little “heart to heart” with her feline companion. The fact that he could at least see her was more interactivity than she usually got. At least with someone she didn't have to measure her every move with.
And in that instant, Anna let out her third dejected sigh of the night. And even if there wasn’t any air leaving her nonexistent lungs, something did seem to leave her as she sighed.
Her eyes, which always seemed to besmirking mischievously at everything on their own, lost their luster. Her shoulders slumped. The muscles in her face relaxed. Minute changes that would be indistinguishable from the usual rippled across her form until there was a noticeable shift in her body language as a whole.
The bitterness that had only bubbled up inadvertently at first was boiling at the surface now, fully revealed.
“You know…” With the shift in attitude also came a disregard for appearances and decorum. She began to float and spin around the room while still in a sitting position. “My life was so much easier before meeting your mom.”
“Sure, I don’t know a single god forsaken thing about why I’m like this.” She looked at and through her one hand. “But at least I knew SOME things to be a fact.”
“I get out of the hospital. I cross the street. I look back to see where Mom is, only to see a truck had crashed right where I just was. I think damn, I’m sure lucky, wouldn't that have been the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ thing, to get hit right out of the hospital doors like that? But then wouldn't you know it, that's ME, that's my body right under that tire!”
Despite the clear and unpleasant shift in mood, Fore was clearly excited and amused. He began jumping and leaping to catch Anna as she floated around the room.
“So I scream and cry and pray and beg. But Mom can’t see or hear me.” She recollected her own death with a flat and tired voice, like reciting song lyrics without the music meant to accompany them. “So I assume this is my reality now, right? A fly on the wall of the world. I can be anywhere. And for some reason electronic devices are now also like rooms I can enter, which is… really hard to explain how that feels, now that I think about it… It just comes as naturally as opening a door…”
“And then!” She stopped dead in the air as if to emphasize those words, causing Fore to overshoot a jump. “And then, I enter this bar I hadn’t seen before and by the tits of the holy cow, the cutie at the counter can see me! And… and man, now I wish she couldn’t.”
II You Think You Can Love Me And Leave Me To Die?
“I mean, I was euphoric that I was able to speak to another human for the first time in years.” Anna resumed floating, this time lying down, yet still in mid-air, spinning along three different axes as if strapped to an invisible gyroscope. “But now the one thing I know to be fact is no longer so, the one constant I took solace in was apparently just a huge false positive.”
“And now? Well I decide to go to the Apollo Bank when it went to hell to check on things and oh, look at that, someone there can actually see me. And I can’t just let that blue-haired girl fend for herself in such a mess, can I?” Her floating slowed for a second as something came to her. “…blue hair…? Hmmm… nah, what are the chances.”
Her floating resumed her pace as she continued. “Then there’s Becky, oh my sweet lil’ Becky, the sister I never got to meet… How many times have I wanted to talk to you, to hug you? And now that you can apparently at the very least hear me, I seriously wish you couldn’t.”
Fore was clearly exhausted from trying to catch the floating human form and flopped to the ground on his side. He continued lazily swiping his paws at the air, to make sure everyone knew he was a formidable hunter. Anna obligingly lowered the height of her meandering floating about the room, allowing Fore’s paws to pass through the ends of her skirt every now and then.
“She can apparently hear me nowadays and that sucks. I can’t watch her from a distance like I used to either, because she can now see if I change something, too…” She continued. “And now that I might be able to talk to her… what would I even say? ‘Hello! This is kind of sudden, but I’m your sister that died in a gruesome case of vehicularmanslaughter before you were deployed, but more importantly, do you prefer *Kira* Miki or B-link?’”
“So not only is the one thing I knew as fact now a total lie, but now it feels like people have gradually been able to see me more and more for reasons that escape me and my control…” The speed at which Anna glided across the room seemed to ebb and flow in conjunction with her thoughts. “Which then makes you wonder, why now? Why not before? Why isolate me like this for years? What changed?”
Anna let out a deeply frustrated groan as she came to a complete rest against the ground, completely exhausted by all the flying and thinking and talking. The effect made it seem as if she had literally deflated. Fore decided to get up from his own tired and deflated position and took a few steps to join Anna in lying on the floor on their sides.
Despite the bitter aftertaste of everything she’d just let loose, Anna still smiled as the cat diligently continued listening to her woes.
“There’s something about you, boy,” she said. She extended her one hand towards him and immediately regretted her inability to pet him. “You just make a girl wanna pourher heart out to you, don’t you…”
“Like mother like son, I guess,” she then uttered under her breath, in a tone less charitable or flattering than the one directed at the cat.
And then, she laid there in complete and uncharacteristic silence and stillness. Minute after minute passed with Anna only staring at the ceiling, as diligently still as Fore was by her side.
She was mentally exhausted. She didn’t like how some of her bottled up and completely pointless grievances about being some kind of weird Schroedinger’s cyber ghost had just come out like that. She especially didn’t like how many more were still lurking inside, wanting to come out, waiting to come out, now that the floodgates had opened.
And deep within the endless well of dark bitterness inside her was a particularly dense nugget of undeniable grief. More than her oh-so-predictable mid-afterlife crisis, more than the existential questions brought forth by the shifting nature of her perceivability or lack thereof, more than any loneliness or boredom or anger or sadness she had, the last thing she wanted to think about was those memories of “her”.
She knew by repressing these memories she was denying herself a lot of her most precious moments, in this life and her previous one. But she was also sparing herself the pain associated with their recollection as well.
One time, months ago, in her first encounter with Fore’s human, Anna made the mistake of bringing “her” up. It was a moment of weakness, a door she never wanted opened, and yet she’d opened it up anyway.
It was so casual, and yet the moment “her” name left Anna’s lips, she realized her mistake. It took an insane amount of mental energy to push everything back in. She was so drained that despite wanting to visit Fore’s human again, she decided against it until she could gather her composure again, an effort that easily took the better part of a couple weeks.
“Told you, didn’t I?” Anna said to nobody in particular. “We’re all cowards. I should know, takes one to know one…”
More minutes passed. Suddenly, Fore stood and went to the door, meowing loudly. Anna turned to watch, wondering what the cat wanted.
The door of the room was soon opened byFore’s human coming back from her shift at work.
III A Devil Set Aside For Me.
Her dark hair, which was usually neatly tied into twintails, was loose around her shoulders, as was her necktie. She'd already slipped her shoes and jacket off and was already unzipping her pencil skirt as Fore began rubbing himself against her legs.
She glanced up and made eye contact with Anna as her skirt hung precariously from her hips.
The face of Fore’s human soon went through a rapid mix of awareness, surprise, and apprehension. She knew exactly what to expect from this particular unexpected guest.
Anna, however, was going through quite a different series of expressions and emotions.
Her eyes regained their luster. Her shoulders straightened. The muscles in her face lifted her cheeks into a smile.
And smile she did, because after crying her heart out to a cat, there was something deeply reassuring about how the mere presence of Fore’s human before her could inspire such an easy transformation.
It was a simple reminder that the defense mechanisms people grew to protect themselves were as much a part of them as the weaknesses they were built to protect.
In other words, Anna felt a self-affirming and all-encompassing desire to tease the hell out of somebody.
The smile curled further into a grin as Anna noticed Fore’s human become aware of her own state of undress in front of a painfully human spectator.
“Well well well!” Anna exclaimed. Her voice was full of mischief and didn't betray a hint of the bitter melancholy it held only a few minutes ago. She adjusted herself into a more seductive position lying on the middle of the floor.
“I’m glad you’re so eager today, Jo! You left me waiting all by my lonesome here for way too long! How’re you gonna make it up to me?”
Source: https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=2931576035
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