Our Targets
Our targets are sly, they are surreptitious and most significantly they are mesmerising, having the ability to seduce and captivate those of a lesser mind. Within this sinister, insidious order belies four of the fiends.
Dills:
Behold, the master sorcerer behind each and everyone of this bands insidious schemes. My face contorts in rage whenever I perceive that infuriatingly feminine face, I WANT TO CAVE HIS SKULL IN, LET ME AT HIM! I ask you today BIG TECH and its corporate lackey’s, do you feel proud to know that your entire existence, your very livelihood relies on this fork tongued SATANIST? Are you imbued with a sense of purpose to know that at one flick of this sluglike caricatures flabby wrist you will be abducted, bound, shoved into a crate and shipped off to a Mexican cartel, to work as a harlot in one of their dingy brothels? I daresay that you aren’t. Instead you are wracked with guilt, plagued with self loathing and realise that you have been subject to a cruel and grisly fate. LISTEN TO ME MAN, you no longer have to toil away in indentured servitude at the behest of this THING. Nay, instead flock to a greater purpose, embrace your destiny and align yourself with Rivellion, THIS IS THE WAY OF THE NORNS. Asides from this motivational speech, Dills physical characteristics are abysmal at best. When he not lounging around on Miami beaches, attempting to swoon nubile women, he is frequently found preying upon children, applying beauty cosmetics to his oily, REPTILLIAN skin and orchestrating plots to usurp the government. Inexplicably, this decrepit abomination has enthralled many under his insidious order, perhaps his cronies enjoy slinking about in the sewers, concocting explosives to detonate upon the innocent populace. Asides from this nifty titbit, I advise all to be wary to him and his magicks. DO NOT FALL PREY TO HIS CAPTIVATING SNAKE EYES. Note, it may be possible to cure this HOMOSEXUAL FIEND by shoving delectable vittles’ such as bark and thorns down his throat. In the event that he is incurable he should be tranquilised and disemboweled in front of a live audience, preferably one that is ready to fill Rivellions coffers to envision such an event.
Sage:
Sage is a rare sort, an elusive, deceptive fiend and a craven to boot. If I had the opportunity to place together a cub, say a bear cub, a bleating Frenchman and THIS WRETCHED SORT, then I would choose him as the epitome of all that is cowardly. Similarly, if bore the opportunity to evaluate a fox, a snake and this self proclaimed sage then I would be proffering the homosexual full marks. Alas, it is safe to say that this individual is not the paragon of virtue that he considers himself to be. This master of deceptive tactics, illusionary tricks is a man donning many a masquerade. On one instance he professes himself as a profound, eager admirer of children, on another route he is the head Baptist of a progressive Church, wishing to instil homosexuality into the ranks of Catholicism and in the next he is nought but a mentally ill man, one who wishes to emulate a kittens behaviourisms. It is safe to say that he is a sly figure and that is exactly why we may encounter such adversity in remedying his ailments. On one hand, he may yearn for assistance and gladly accept the medication, but on the other, who can truly fathom if he is simply playing coy? Attempting to ease our souls and feign being cured, so that he can STRIKE US WITH HIS COILED SERPENTS TAIL WHEN THE TIME ARRIVES? ARE WE, MEN AND WOMEN OF WALES PREPARED TO TAKE THAT CHANCE? Will you offer up your life and risk the sting of a betrayers dagger? Or will you instead tap him twice in the head to ensure that he is dead?
Fennel:
Now this one, he is one of our most potent adversaries. Not simply because he wears a dress and can be confused with any ol New Jersay crossdresser, but because he is their most diligent member. A man well versed in the arts of pyromancy, who’s extensive lineage bears traces of archaic FRENCH executioners and stake burners. If you are to go outside brethren, be armed and vigilant, for in the midst of the night, many a man and woman have been kidnapped and burnt alive en masse, with only their dwindling ashes insinuating the horrific fate that was given to them by the rabid, rainbow flouting mob. I will take great pleasure in ‘curing’ this one. My ‘cures’ and vials will ensure that he becomes a sentient, cooperative member of society.
Lauriel:
Beware of this man, FOR HE IS THE EPITOME OF SLOTH. He transgresses upon holy ground, exuding a sinister, sluggish aura that will make any who are weak of will falter. What’s more is that he hosts underground ball parties, for him and his fellow ELDRITCH DAEMONIC SCUM. I wonder what his parents contemplate about, do they grieve at the loss of their son? Do they conspire to strangle him in his sleep with a feather pillow? Perhaps they wish to beat him repeatedly with an electric baton, in the hope that the electricity produces an adrenaline hit and enables him to become productive. Whatever the case, I say right here and now to this slothful imbecile, LOUNGING ABOUT IN LIFE MAY PRODUCE TEMPORARY COMFORT, BUT WILL YOU BE COMFORTABLE IN THE DEPTHS OF TARTARUS, WHERE YOUR EARS WILL BE FILLED WITH THE WRETCHED WAILS OF THE DAMNED, WHERE YOU WILL LOUNGE UPON A POOL OF FIRE AND BE COMFORTED ONLY BY THE CRUEL STRIKE OF THE PAGANS LASHINGS!
Sing Me A Song
Oh fair and noble knight, fair and noble knight, won’t you serenade me a tale, oh fair and noble knight. BELLOW A BALLAD MOST WORTHY, THAT WILL ROUSE THE HILLMAN TRIBES. PROCLAIM THE WORDS SO LOUD THAT THEY SHALL NEVER SUBSIDE.
Gadewch imi ganu stori dal, dirgelwch, cysgod yn y tywyllwch i chi. Bydd y Cymro YN DYDD YN DILEU'R RABBLE SAESNEG O'R GORFFENNOL. Gadewch imi ganu cân y Cymro i chi, stori o frad Seisnig, O MURDER IN THE DARK! Clutch breichiau’r Cymro, wrth iddo dagu dynion a menywod o Loegr â llinell bysgota. GADEWCH I DWEUD I CHI TALE'R WELSHMAN, EI FALLEN HERO OWAIN GLYNDWR! Mae ei darian a'i gleddyf yn gyrru lletem trwy'r band calfaria bradychus. Un diwrnod bydd y Cymro yn dychwelyd, yn cysgodi'n mudlosgi yn socedi ei lygaid, bydd ei gerddediad yn ennyn ofn i'r gwrthwynebwr, ei gleddyf yn gryf ac yn gyfiawn wrth iddo adennill ein treftadaeth, ein tiroedd Cymreig! Nawr yw oes yr arwyr a chwymp COLONISIO ANGLO SAXON TYRANTS. Bydd y goresgynwyr Seisnig hynny yn cael eu gwrthyrru ac a fyddwn ni'n difaru, na fydd dim! Un diwrnod bydd y Cymro yn codi i fyny ac yn clirio ei enw.
Sing me a song of a lad that is gone,
Say, could that lad be I?
Merry of soul he sailed on a day
Over the sea to Skye.
Mull was astern, Rum on the port,
Eigg on the starboard bow;
Glory of youth glowed in his soul;
Where is that glory now?
Sing me a song of a lad that is gone,
Say, could that lad be I?
Merry of soul he sailed on a day
Over the sea to Skye.
Give me again all that was there,
Give me the sun that shone!
Give me the eyes, give me the soul,
Give me the lad that's gone!
Sing me a song of a lad that is gone,
Say, could that lad be I?
Merry of soul he sailed on a day
Over the sea to Skye.
Billow and breeze, islands and seas,
Mountains of rain and sun,
All that was good, all that was fair,
All that was me is gone.
How We Will Abduct The Fiends
Never forget soldiers, that what we are facing is a unique, robust breed of sodomites. Ones who are sly, prudent and most significantly, who have a precedent in eluding capture on many an occasion. As a result we must plan our attempts in capture, lest we face potential dishonour, which will then lead into a scandal in the vale and a subsequent uproar among the Welsh aristocracy. First, to draw in the depraved sodomites, we must first sprinkle lavender and milk onto the ground, until the air is ripe with the scent. Then when they draw near, we must swiftly encircle them, waiting until they are unwary and most susceptible. When this occurs I will raise a signal and then we shall simultaneously sally forward and incapacitate them. If they attempt to resist, then do not shy away from breaking several of their bones, that’ll teach the rascals.
Aye, extraordinary, we have apprehended the homosexuals with minimal casualties. Not many will be unable to comprehend the effort and plights that we faced in our endeavour. Now onwards, to the curing stage!
Remedying The Willing Captives
Excellent, good show, good show, what a lovely tussle that was. Ah, yes, guards send them sprawling onto the floor, don’t forget to ruffle up their feathers a little bit. No, no, not like that, don’t pull any punches, you REALLY have to BEAT compliance into them. Excellent, that shall do it. Now, onto the next stage of our auspicious journey, IT’S CURING TIME. One of my favourite activities as a genuinely legitimate and qualified medical practitioner is to cure my patients, it truly fills myself with exuberance to see a patients happy smile and charmful physique. Now, let us begin in earnest.
Dills:
Well, Dills, Dills, Dills, how the tide shifts. We meet again old buddy, do you regret aligning yourself with that masonic cult now? Do you regret all the times that you unleashed terror into the streets, seeking to infiltrate our youth centres, indoctrinate our children and CONTROL OUR VERY LIVES? You will soon, for I am going to show the audience how to treat an individual of your calibre. What, he wants to speak, GUARDS, MUFFLE HIM, MUFFLE HIM BEFORE HE UTTERS A POTENT INCANTATION AND BRINGS RUIN TO US ALL. Excellent, now to the fair few of the audience who remain, bear witness to my medical prowess. I have deduced that the predicament with this individual, is that he bears a womanly personality, which is frankly incompatible with his gender. As a result, we must imbue him with masculinity and bulging muscles. But how can we do that you ask? And will the patient be willing? For the second query, that is irrelevant and for the first fret not, for I have a simple remedy in my satchel. In order to make this man more masculine, we must quite literally hammer nails inside of his skull. Hammers and nails are frequently associated with laborious activities, such as carpentry and woodworking. These occupations are majorly comprised of burly men. As a result, by hammering said nails into his cranium, we will be allowing him to embrace masculinity and reject his feminine tendencies. Ah, it is all done, oh look at him wriggle, he positively loves it. Why, another satisfied patient.
Sage:
Behold, Ladies and gentleman, here bears our second patient Sage, a sly trickstar and a pathological liar. As a medical practitioner, I believe that the root of lying lies within the mind, as such we will be cracking open his skull and replacing his brain with a coconut. I call upon you, a decade and a half of medical experience and my Oxford diploma, GUIDE MY HAND ON THIS AUSPICIOUS DAY, ASSIST ME IN REPLACING HIS BRAIN WITH THAT OF A COCONUT AND ENSURE HE BECOMES A CIVILISED MEMBER OF SOCIETY ONCE MORE. Ah excellent, all done. Our newfound associate no longer dons the name of Sage, instead he is Raspy the Affable bard. If you ever encounter him on your voyages, be certain to say hi.
Fennel:
Why, remedying Fennel is relatively simple, he believes that he is immune to fire, LET’S PROVE HIM WRONG. Open up his mouth and force him to swallow hot coals, as he dances a jig atop a burning wood oven. WHEN HE EMBRACES FIRE AND BRIMSTONE WE SHALL RELEASE HIM, leave him men, let him sit there for two weeks and ruminate about what he has done. You have been a rather naughty felon Fennel.
Lauriel:
What plagues Lauriel is an affliction alike many other, slothfulness. He is lazy and as a result there can only be one remedy, electrocution. As a result, I have dutifully prepared a catapult, alongside a pool of water being perpetually zapped by Tesla coils. Lauriel’s treatment will be relatively simple, two benevolent volunteers will hurl him out of a catapult into the pool of water. Once colliding with the water, the patient will then be subsequently by however many volts the Tesla coils can muster. Afterwards, the patient will no longer be regaled as Lauriel, but instead as Puffy the Foldfish, a fine aquatic specimen.
The End Of A Scintillating Saga
Now, I understand that the majority of this feline emulating band was ruthlessly executed, but remember dear viewer, death is but another path, one that we all must take. The grey rain curtain of this rolls back and all turns to silver glass, and then you see it. A MAN DRESSED IN RED AND WHITE GARBS, WHO JUDGES WHETHER YOU HAVE BEEN NAUGHTY OR NICE. If you have acted with hedonism and impunity towards others your entire life, then you shall be deemed as naughty and subsequently cast deep into the barren depths of the abyss, where only the wails of the damned with provide you company. However, if you have acted with a pious and fair nature in life, then what awaits in indescribable pleasure and luxuries, the deers will dance, serene music will sound in the background and then the curtains become unveiled and you will witness a sight that cannot even remotely be depicted in words.
Source: https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=2554339669
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