1. Go On The Mogstation And Buy The Wind-up Yugiri
This is the best one, I guess. I dunno.
2. Queue Up For LoVM Tournament And Go Take A Shower, Make Something To Eat, Go To Work, Etc Etc
By the time you finish all that, wait about 20 minutes and maybe the queue will pop.
Look Your Opponent In His Eyes, Aim No Higher.
You've found your kindred poor lost soul victim who actually cares enough to queue for LoVM. Maybe they're trying to do their weekly log, I dunno. This does not matter to you. This is where it gets serious.
Click on Yugiri a lot. You'll have to wait a bit before you can click on her more, and then click on her a lot again.
Fetch Me Their Souls
Send all the yugiris you just clicked on to one of your opponents crystals, any one, it doesnt really matter.
The Game Plan Starring Vin Diesel
By this point, your opponent, who might still naively think that this minigame involves any semblance of strategy, bless their poor soul, might try to make moves against you. They will send their minions to meet your Yugiri Party at the crystal. When they do this, click on all your Yugiris and click the big red button. This will trigger a damage buff in a big circle around that Yugiri which is doubled on all Yugiris, this also stacks on top of eachother. Your Yugiris will now melt anything that comes near them, and your opponent will now realize what they've gotten themselves into.
By this point, your opponent might have realized this is a game of attrition, and has started pooling their minions at your crystals. This does not matter. Send a split party of like 5 yugiris to guard one crystal, because you only have to guard one anyway because this game is stupid. It doesnt really matter how many minions or what kind they go up against, because you just click the Get Strong button and they kill everything. Send the rest of the Yugiris at the other crystals.
Why Is This Happening To Me
Congratulations, you've won, but at what cost? Your opponent sits across from you, dumbfounded that you've won by doing something so insanely stupid and mindless. They wonder to themselves, is this the game I'm playing? Is this really all there is to it? I read all the guides, I watched the youtube videos, I thought I knew how to play. They're disillusioned. They're just like you, all they wanna do is place on the board, which is easy because no one else bothers with the LoVM tournaments. But you stand in their way, you are the only other person playing today and you can't be beat, and you want more. You know that if you place with double digits in four lord of vermintide tournaments, you get a stupid penguin minion. You want it, you need it. You've come this far.
You face that same opponent again, and again. They just want to place and collect their MGP at the end of the week. A little voice inside of you tells you to sandbag just once so they can get on the board. You kill that part of you. They wonder what they're doing wrong, they desperately try to change their strategy up against you. It doesn't matter, you're a shark and you've tasted blood. You can't stop, you're unbeatable. You want those double digits, you want to climb up that board, you want that minion, you want to complete your weekly challenge log for the golden saucer. You queue back up, and it goes silent. The other player's been broken, you are alone again. You come down and you don't even feel good. You don't feel satisfied, you don't feel happy, you don't feel like you've earned or won anything. You're scum. You're filth. I hope you're happy, because no one else is. You go do Leap of Faith, and take solace in knowing that at least all the people around you don't know what evil lurks next to them.
End Of Verminion
That's all there is to it. The empty feeling will go away when you get your MGP, but it don't matter, nunnadis mattahs. Thank you for reading and I hope you walk away feeling better than I do.
Next week: Chocobo Races All you do is hold forward and hope that you get better RNG than the bots, and there will only be bots, because no one else in your data center does chocobo races.
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